Dishonor on your cow!

gary-protects

I just finished watching Into the Storm, and if you value your sanity, movies in general and your crush on Richard Armitage – DO NOT WATCH IT! I repeat, if you mean to pay the ticket or download it for free

no

Oh my god, this is such bullshit of a movie I can’t even put it into words, although I will try to. Those of you who know me and who’ve seen Ultraviolet with me, suffice it to say that this makes less sense as a movie and is less exciting than Ultraviolet!

I spent the first couple of minutes thinking “ok, this might go somewhere, I’ll give it a chance.” and  “It might be a late bloomer” (that was the thought after 10 minutes), but noooooo, it just got worse.

there were times when I seriously considered going out to get alcohol (being drunk seemed to work with Transformers 2 or 3, I can’t remember which one)

drunk

The plot points (points being used very loosely here) are as follow

  1. uuuuuu look at the big tornado, let’s go and get ourselves killed perhaps
  2. we end up not understanding the cause of this phenomenon because the “scientist chick” (who was more convincing as the doctor in Prison Break than a meteorologist, and she was NOT convincing in Prison Break) explains nothing throughout the movie. The only “scienty” thing she does is to point at a big red blob on the satellite image on the screen. I COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING! ALL YOU NEED TO BE IS NOT FRIGGIN COLORBLIND TO DO IT! the fact is that the creators of this movie were obviously a couple of people who had no idea that a disaster movie should at least attempt to research the catastrophic thing that is the basis of the plot!
  3. two jackass wannabes who somehow survive getting sucked into a bloody tornado!
  4. a teenager who is behaving like a teenager and wants to score a date or something with a cute girl who is obviously using him for her own gain because she is so incompetent that she can’t work a camera!
  5. a storm chaser who is filming the entire thing and who is an “awful” person who “turns around” in the end and sacrifices himself for the main characters, and in the moments before his death he is sucked up the ginormous tornado and as he rises above the cloud cover he sees the sunset-bathed clouds and stuff. I half expected there to be heavenly harps playing and angels greeting him in heaven
    eyeroll
  6. and finally – Richard friggin Armitage! Who decided that he was done with acting and just lumbered around like John Wayne with the emotional range and depth of a bucket of kale. In addition to his complete lack of acting skills (and I know he can act, I’ve seen it!) his accent is SOOOOOOOO awful that he makes Keanu Reeves in Dracula look good! I mean, why in the hell did they pick him for this role? I love the guy, he’s a nice hunk of man, but there are plenty more suitable American actors to play the role, why choose him!

And now, let’s explain the title of this post.

dishonour

Here is a list of people who have brought dishonor on themselves, their families and their cow by being connected with this movie:

  1. the screenplay author
  2. the ideaperson behind this movie
  3. the director
  4. the casting person
  5. Richard Armitage
  6. and finally – Me, for buying the goddamned ticket and going to see the movie in the first place

ok, now that that rant is over, I’ll go back to knitting and while I do that I’ll be thinking of ways I can take over the world because

sterilized

except for me and Richard Armitage of course

p.s. incidentally, there’s a flying cow in this movie!

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Can I just say how much I love you for finally saying something that makes sense about this movie that everyone else swears is amaze-balls? Honor on you!

    1. Lukre says:

      Thank you. I don’t usually go for these kinds of mivies but i went to see this one because of Richard. He is one of my favourites, but not even he could help it. Sad. Hope the 3rd Hobbit will be better

      1. Even though PJ disappointed me with Desolation of Smaug, the third movie will be way, way better than ITS. Sorry you had to pay good money on ITS but at least I discovered you because of it (and you knit, too!). Not even Richard could get me into the theater for this one. I love my cow too much.

  2. Maria says:

    Interesting, comments.. Going to se the movie this weekend.. It’s been getting really good reviews, and am quite surprised to see this comment.. I guess I’ll see when I watch it

  3. mujertropical says:

    Wow! I didn’t think it would be that bad (will see it when it opens). That said, I hope nobody tells Richard about this review; not because it’s wrong but because I love the guy and he’d be crushed to read your assessment of him in this movie. I hope at least some people go see it but I’m pretty certain it will be crushed by Guardians of The Galaxy and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Thank God for the reviews from The Crucible! 😉 Thanks for taking the time to warn us about ITS.

    1. Lukre says:

      A friend of mine really love Richard as well and she had the same reaction to the movie as I did. We really wanted him to be great in this… Well I can always re-watch North and South 🙂

  4. nicollzg says:

    Ok, I just have to see this movie. Also cow+tornado = Twister(1996) so – no. When Chris (Northern Exposure) wanted to put a cow in a catapult he decided against it because it has been done before. Obviously the guys who made this 1) didn’t bother to watch movies that touch upon the topic similar to their own or 2) did bother, and decided that Twister is worthy of copying and decided to copy the cow part. Either way – idiots. I love your review, but I believe it is not nice that you’ve singled out the cow.

    1. Lukre says:

      Ok ok ok hereby I apologise to thr cow

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