Were* the hell is chocolate? (* pun intended)

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Ok it took me two afternoons to finish Blood and Chocolate. And it was awful. I know I should have ditched the book after the first couple of pages but there were two reasons why I continued:

  1. I am soooooo behind on my reading challenge that I can’t afford to give up on books and this one is short.
  2. A part of me wanted to see how bad it would get. (sneak peak guys, not good, not good at all)

So, the book was made into a movie a few years ago with Hugh Dancy and bunch of other people. The characters were not bad in the movie, and I bought the book.

From the first pages it proved to be a case of the movie being better than the book. To begin with, the characters in the book are so two dimensional that it was painful to read their dialogues, but most of all the problem was in the main character – Vivian – she’s a TEENAGER in the book. And to add to this, she doesn’t do angst well.

So, I underlined some sentences in the book which I read translated to Croatian. I was curious whether the translation was to blame or the book was to blame. I then went online and found the original text. The translation was in one word HORRENDOUS, but the book in the original is just as bad.

I’ll give you a review now with the quotes from the book (in both languages in places, as they deserve to be read twice)

We open up with a scene where her father dies – setting up the angst – which doesn’t get used later. Vivian then proceeds with her mental vomitous discharge (yeah, it’s done from her POV) and self-encouragement talk: ” I can kick a hole in the sky.” (U stanju sam udarcem rušiti nebeske zidove.)

She painted a picture and it got published in the school newspaper. Next to it was a “poem” about a werewolf – yeah, I forgot to mention she is a werewolf – and she was so impressed by this “poem” that she set out to find the author and fell in love at first sight – OF COURSE SHE DID. (facepalm) She sort of asks him out on a date.

Then Gabriel comes into the picture – an older (24) werewolf who wants Viv, but she doesn’t want him. Her mum on the other hand… (cringe) And one of the phrases Viv uses to describe Gabriel is “Then he laughed like a giant” (Tada se nasmijao poput gorostasa) – how does a giant actually laugh?

She goes for a run – and (oh I loved this one): “A trickle of breeze curled around her buttocks, and her nipples tightened in the cool air off the river. She laughed and threw her panties down.” I burst out laughing here.

She goes out on a date with the “poet” Aiden. He picks her up in a “beetle” and she proceeds to not know what car that is. They go to a concert where “Vivian teased herself with his closeness.” – How the fuck does one do that?

So love grows on her side, and on his side. He loves her because she’s leggy and stuff, and she loves him because he is a human, not a werewolf (she’s going through a rebellious existential phase – another cliche incorporated). He wishes for something magical to happen to him. They spend a lot of time together. She meets the parents – mum doesn’t like her, dad hits on her when nobody’s around – Oh for fucks sake, we get it she’s amazingly beautiful. She actually “teaches Aidan to run” – what the hell has he been doing for the past 17 years? Walking on all fours?

In the meantime the pack needs to select their new pack leader – there’s going to be a massive fight.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the author was obviously given a thesaurus or something for her birthday because: “The trees in Gaskill State Park were festooned with crystal raindrops, and thunder still rumbled in distant skies. The air was thick with mist as the heat of the day steamed from the turf into the pewter light of dusk.”

But the same person failed to give her any book on Egyptian mythology: “she lapped from the dish with her muzzle like an Egyptian god feeding.”

Of course, Gabriel wins the fight and is now the leader of the pack. A female werewolf attacks Vivian’s mum immediately after this and Vivian defending her mum defeats the she-werewolf and unwillingly becomes the partner to Gabriel (of course she did this). She runs away.

She decides to show herself to Aidan (silly silly girl) believing he truly loves her. He sees her as the wolf and gets scared shitless (duh!) and she has to run away again. (She should be playing pokemon Go with all the running she’s doing)

A series of murders happen, she thinks she’s to blame because she is treating her broken heart with alcohol. Gabriel stays close by to try to win her over. Aidan’s life is threatened. She goes to save him. Gabriel comes as well. Aidan tries to shoot Gabriel, Vivian takes the shot. Aidan is allowed to escape, Gabriel takes care of her. He shares his angsty story of falling in love with a human and how he killed her. Vivian cries and realizes the two of them are the same – angelic choir starts to sing as they look each other in the eyes and kiss with animalistic passion just before running off into the sunset…. barf.

So, basically if you want to read an insipid novel about silly teenager werewolf whose thought processes are annoying and where the plot is so obvious that you already know every single thing that is going to happen – this is a novel for you.

I can’t write any more, it’s just too silly.

Oh, I almost forgot – THERE’S NO CHOCOLATE IN THE BOOK! NOT A BAR OF CHOCOLATE! NOT EVEN HOT CHOCOLATE! NOT EVEN A CHOCOLATE CHIP THAT FELL OUT OF SOMEONE’S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE!

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. nicollzg says:

    Somebody should give you an award for reading this. It sounds excruciating. I think I need to read it 😜

    1. Lukre says:

      But you have to read it in translation – it’s soooooo much worse 🙂

      1. nicollzg says:

        Hahaha, will do.

  2. J. R. Pinton says:

    I’m sure the book is crap, and I appreciate every caveat on offer, but how could you not know — giant laughing is a form of wholehearted belly laughing that makes the ground shake. If it’s a bad giant something will fall on your head as a result. If it’s a good giant, something will fall on someone else’s head. I thought it was common knowledge :))

    1. Lukre says:

      If she had said Homeric laughter, that one I know. Giant, a new one for me. Thanks 🙂

      1. J. R. Pinton says:

        Hm… you do, of course, realize that I made the whole thing up? Damn, I’m convincing :)))

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